Cars

There are three columnists in the WSJ who generally make me scratch my head in confusion, or drop my jaw in awe, when I read them. They are Hollman Jenkins, Daniel Henninger and Joseph White. Today we will focus on White.

White is the automotive columnist for the WSJ and is generally incoherent. His latest column is titled "Seeking a Cure for Automotive Ennui" and yes, prepare to be wowed. Here's how he starts:

New-car sales are sagging in America and car makers are blaming the housing slump or the credit crunch. I suspect something else. I suspect boredom.

Yep. Boredom. Not the housing market going to hell. Not the tightening credit standards that are slowing the ability of people to secure car financing. Nope. It's that consumers are bored. Why are they bored?

Face it. A lot of the cars sold in America are just dull. Whose heart leaps at the thought of firing up a Toyota Corolla? If you took away the logos, who could discern a significant difference among the interiors of any five $35,000 luxury cars? Black plastic, faux wood grain, even "metallic look" plastics -- clichés all. Sport utility vehicles and crossovers? Ho hum.

Under the hood, too many cars sold in America are equally uninspiring. Car makers have done wonderful things improving upon century-old gasoline internal-combustion engine technology. But it's still a century old. It's as if, instead of the iPod, we still got our music from lacquer records that had been refined to hold 100 minutes of songs.

So, what he's looking for is bold design and a successor to the internal combustion engine? Is that all? Is that the cure for automotive ennui? Maybe, maybe not.

If the cars don't bore you, the driving probably will. In most urban areas, getting anywhere now is about as exhilarating as sitting through a PowerPoint talk on the latest revisions to the company 401(k). The latest Urban Mobility Report released by the Texas Transportation Institute finds that urban congestion has intensified to the point that "free-flowing traffic is seen less than one-third of the time in urban areas over 1 million population."

Oh, so the problem is traffic? So people aren't buying new cars because if they do, they are likely to sit in traffic? Well, that makes sense to me. Why would I want to spend $35,000 on a glorified couch? But wait, that's not it either:

Americans -- consumers, car makers and regulators -- have only themselves to blame for automotive ennui.

Ah-ha! It's our fault! So what's the solution? What kind of new technology, new styling will cure us of our self-inflicted ennui? White presents... Euro Civic!

The Euro-diesel Civic is more fun to look at than most American small cars. It has a three-door hatchback profile, but look carefully and you see the car has four side doors. The front and back are decorated with chromey jewelry. The dashboard glows at night with a techno blue light... You start up the Euro Honda by turning the key, then hitting the red "Engine Start" button – like a race car.

THAT'S the cure? A four-door hatchback with an "Engine Start" button? One that is more fun to look at than "most" American small cars? And could someone please tell me why "chromey jewelry" is great design while "metallic look plastics" are a cliche? Is it the increased chromeyness? Are you kidding me? Apparently not. And, it's much, much better than the Prius:

What's most enjoyable is that despite the donkey-hauling performance characteristics, the Euro Civic averaged about 44 miles per gallon (5.3 liters per 100 kilometers.) By comparison, the Toyota Prius's combined mileage rating, under the new, more stringent Environmental Protection Agency labeling system, is just 46 miles per gallon.

Yes, that's right, "just" 46 mpg. The Prius only gets 2 mpg MORE than the Civic. Oh, and the Prius has a start button which doesn't require you to stick the key into anything other than your pocket and is available in the US right now. Honda, meanwhile, has no plans to introduce the Euro Civic into the US.

And what any of this would do to reduce traffic is anyone's guess.

UPDATE:

Re-reading this, I realized I may not have been sufficiently explicit in my criticism of White. In the past, he has gone after Prius purchasers for being irrational since they could buy a Corolla for less than a Prius and the difference in price could not be made up by a savings in gas. In that case, a car purchase is a purely rational decision and purchasers should be entirely rational when they purchase a car. Then he writes a column like this one that basically takes the opposite side - that car purchasers are bored and need chromey goodness to get them all excited and eager to buy. To a certain extent he's only and constantly arguing with himself, but it gets me frustrated all the same.